8 Things I learned about Men at FHM
( Jenina Alli spills the surprising stuff she's learned about men while working for the country's hottest male magazine.)
1. They do notice if your hair changes.
(they'll ask "did you cut your hair?'' when what you have actually done is spend three grand on highlights. And there lies the rub. They're no that optically-challenged. They can draw up a chart on the profound difference between cup B and a D, but the subtler details are lost to them. It takes a woman's eye to know that auburn is as different from chocolate cherry as orange is from green.)
2. Kamanyakan transcends class.
(I've been to enough FHM parties to know this. Ogling is a craft masters by both the Sandal Bida-clad hoi pollio and the chauffer-driven corporate hotshots. The boys who take me to some bar-and-grill for a sisig fest are the same ones who will discreetly stay in one corner instead of homing in on the topless lady being photographed. Meanwhile, the Armani-spritzing yuppie who takes me to a candle-lit Spanish restaurant will want to talk about nothing but FHM and whether so-and-so's breast are the real deal during the entire dinner.)
3. One out of every 17 male-borns is a certified neat freak.
(And I don't mean the my-porn-DVDs-are-in-alphabetical-order kind. We're talking about the kind who's actually finicky with public toilets, who can't stand puddles left by beer bottle precipitation on the table, and who's aware there are existing colors outside the eight-piece Crayola box. Remember my friend, the Sexist? his pad has all the mandatory man trappings, from the half-opened sardine cans to a 36-inch plasma TV, but there's one foil to it all : a closet filled with hangers of crisply ironed shirts, all aligned at the shoulder seam, arranged according to sleeve length, color, and hue!)
4. They can say or do the sweetest thing when you absolutely need it most.
( Only they don't know it. They have absolutely no cognizance of the hell they just delivered you from. One late night back in college, I was studying for the finals with my Platonic Trio when my then-boyfriend dropped by. Talking on the patio mutated into I-am-so-not-speaking-to-you-again. He left, I went back inside and feigned looking for something by the kitchen counter to regroup from the spat. I was fiddling with a bottle opener when Sexist walked up to rinse a beer mug. He just put one arm around my shoulder and said with a reassuring tone of James Earl Jones, "listen, whatever it is, we'll talk about it later. But now you have to focus. You don't wanna flunk this." And when James Earl Jones tells you to do something, you don't ask why, you ask if he'd like an apple pie with that.)
5. The shy one are the smoothest of operators.
(The outgoing ones who are quick with questions and the punchlines get the girls to gather around them in a party. But the one who stay quiet the entire time ends up getting the girl.)
6. They need their sugar fix.
(Sometimes the FHM boys and I knock back a few cold ones after work, discussing magazine circulation, the angle of the next cover story, why Rachel absolutely has to end up with Ross or else magkakamatayan talaga, and godammit why doesn't Clark Kent just go ahead and ask Lana Lang out already!As much as there is merit in kung fu sequences shot in bullet time, there's a chromosome in the male viewer that feeds on killer kilig dialogue and nakakalaslas-pulso soundtracks.)
7. There is such a thing as man gossip.
( Of course it's rinsed of the chick mandatory "Oh my God! Have you heard?!" and the look-I-have-elbows hand gesticulations . An it doesn't have to happen in the bathroom.)
8. But there's no secret male handshake.
(Or there is, the absence of an appendage between my legs will forever keep me wondering how the hell it goes.)
( Jenina Alli spills the surprising stuff she's learned about men while working for the country's hottest male magazine.)
1. They do notice if your hair changes.
(they'll ask "did you cut your hair?'' when what you have actually done is spend three grand on highlights. And there lies the rub. They're no that optically-challenged. They can draw up a chart on the profound difference between cup B and a D, but the subtler details are lost to them. It takes a woman's eye to know that auburn is as different from chocolate cherry as orange is from green.)
2. Kamanyakan transcends class.
(I've been to enough FHM parties to know this. Ogling is a craft masters by both the Sandal Bida-clad hoi pollio and the chauffer-driven corporate hotshots. The boys who take me to some bar-and-grill for a sisig fest are the same ones who will discreetly stay in one corner instead of homing in on the topless lady being photographed. Meanwhile, the Armani-spritzing yuppie who takes me to a candle-lit Spanish restaurant will want to talk about nothing but FHM and whether so-and-so's breast are the real deal during the entire dinner.)
3. One out of every 17 male-borns is a certified neat freak.
(And I don't mean the my-porn-DVDs-are-in-alphabetical-order kind. We're talking about the kind who's actually finicky with public toilets, who can't stand puddles left by beer bottle precipitation on the table, and who's aware there are existing colors outside the eight-piece Crayola box. Remember my friend, the Sexist? his pad has all the mandatory man trappings, from the half-opened sardine cans to a 36-inch plasma TV, but there's one foil to it all : a closet filled with hangers of crisply ironed shirts, all aligned at the shoulder seam, arranged according to sleeve length, color, and hue!)
4. They can say or do the sweetest thing when you absolutely need it most.
( Only they don't know it. They have absolutely no cognizance of the hell they just delivered you from. One late night back in college, I was studying for the finals with my Platonic Trio when my then-boyfriend dropped by. Talking on the patio mutated into I-am-so-not-speaking-to-you-again. He left, I went back inside and feigned looking for something by the kitchen counter to regroup from the spat. I was fiddling with a bottle opener when Sexist walked up to rinse a beer mug. He just put one arm around my shoulder and said with a reassuring tone of James Earl Jones, "listen, whatever it is, we'll talk about it later. But now you have to focus. You don't wanna flunk this." And when James Earl Jones tells you to do something, you don't ask why, you ask if he'd like an apple pie with that.)
5. The shy one are the smoothest of operators.
(The outgoing ones who are quick with questions and the punchlines get the girls to gather around them in a party. But the one who stay quiet the entire time ends up getting the girl.)
6. They need their sugar fix.
(Sometimes the FHM boys and I knock back a few cold ones after work, discussing magazine circulation, the angle of the next cover story, why Rachel absolutely has to end up with Ross or else magkakamatayan talaga, and godammit why doesn't Clark Kent just go ahead and ask Lana Lang out already!As much as there is merit in kung fu sequences shot in bullet time, there's a chromosome in the male viewer that feeds on killer kilig dialogue and nakakalaslas-pulso soundtracks.)
7. There is such a thing as man gossip.
( Of course it's rinsed of the chick mandatory "Oh my God! Have you heard?!" and the look-I-have-elbows hand gesticulations . An it doesn't have to happen in the bathroom.)
8. But there's no secret male handshake.
(Or there is, the absence of an appendage between my legs will forever keep me wondering how the hell it goes.)
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