Monday, July 22

look up

Things are finally looking up.
The moment I let go of my objections with praying, and started really praying....things are finally looking up...
its scary shit that KARMA comes digital now.

My life, for the past few month has been, and is still is, a rollercoaster ride. rollercoaster after riding the ferry's wheel and the carousel. And eating all that hotdogs and popcorn.
I count more DOWN days than good days, but I kept fighting, fighting it my way.

There are choices in your life that are really very hard to do. Choices that can make or break you. Choices that WILL change you. Choices.

I was having conversation about suitcases with a workmate. Old suitcase and New suitcase. And it brought up a lot of "what if", a lot of options, a lot of maybe's. It hunts me.

I've learned the hard way that wanting everything all at the same time, is never the right way. Never.

I am torn between, fighting for what I know is right. And letting go and waiting for that time to come.

Things are finally looking up, but I am more confuse than ever.

When people ask me, "why are you still here?" the only thing I can say is " I see change". I may not be the brightest color in the box, but I sure am not the dullest. I see change. I feel change. I know that somewhere, deep in that soul is a lost and confused boy.
I have read a lot of self help books, relationship and spiritual inspirational books, believe me, I have. But at the end of the day, it all boils down to choices. Choices.

And this is my choice.

I may not be 100% happy now, but I know I will. Eventually. Or not. Either way, I only have me to blame.

Thursday, May 2


7 years ago I met the guy that changed my life. 

11 months ago I got engaged. 

8 months ago I went from being engaged to just in a relationship.

5 months ago, I left the Philippines for Qatar, the just relationship turned into something complicated.

Last night, the "its complicated" status turned into me being single.

Life can shock you. I have come a long way. The end of another very fruitful chapter in my life. Today I start to heal from all the pain. Today I cry. Times like this the only perfect think to do is cry it out. Tomorrow or the next day perhaps, I will smile again.

However you look at it, whatever you try to do, however you pretend, there is never, NEVER a good break up. 

The very painful goodbyes are the once that don't have all the screaming, shouting and blaming. The painful goodbye is when you know the love is still alive but there is nothing really to go on. Goodbyes are painful thing to experience but goodbyes means new beginnings. 

In any relationship, LOVE is not the only answer. Love is not enough. You can love someone with all your heart and still end up growing apart. 

The person that comes into your life is either a lesson you need to learn or a blessing.

Another chapter has ended in my life. Another scar that I will tell as a story in the future. Another lesson.

Its seems being happy is a far fetch idea at the moment, but I know, after all this crying I will be happy again. Because I am worthy.

Someday, somewhere out there I will find that happiness. That love. That perfect time. Someday.

Today I embrace pain. Today I open my doors to pain. Accepting pain will help me grow. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger. I am stronger. 

I was never the religious type. I like to believe that what ever happens is because people let things happen. I believe there is Hope and Faith. But for me, life is not always about hoping and keeping the faith. Its what you make of your life. But i like to believe that someone out there in the universe is guiding me on my path.

LOVE the  life you live, LIVE the life you LOVE

Saturday, February 9

Diary of a whimpy GIRL

Jan. 28
Don't think I don't notice that when I enter a room, either you sit farthest from me or you go out.
Don't think I don't notice that you'll rather hang  out with her in a same room than with me.
Don't tell me I'm being paranoid when I see her flirting with you. And don't pretend you don't notice her flirting with you.
What is wrong with you?
What happen to you?
and most importantly, are you that dense?

you are making me turn into a woman I never wanted to be.

Jan. 29
I'm not saying change but at least try harder. For freaking sake, try harder!
If you really love me like you say you do, prove it.
words are just words, I need action.
or else better let me go.
because I can't do this anymore.
I can't subject myself to this suffering, I just can't. I'm too tired. Too freaking tired.

I'm not saying smother me with affection or PDA during work, all I'm saying is make me feel secure.

Jan 30
Everybody else already thinks I'm the pathetic girlfriend whose weighing you down. Everybody already assumes I'm the bad guy in the picture. Can you at least pretend you acknowledge my feelings and that you don't feel disgusted being seen with me. At least pretend.

I'm already labelled the girl who ruined everything. The girl who didn't deserve this job. The girl who bad mouthed the girl with cancer. Everybody is already ganging up on me. The least you can do is comfort me, make me feel that everything is going to be alright, and not to tell me its all my fault.
I want you to be sorry, like you keep on saying your sorry.

Jan 31
Things I do that irritates you:
kissing your ears
touching your lips
me crying
talking to you in public
saying I'm your wife
running my fingers on your torso
soft kisses on your body
my cold hands
when I ask you a question
when I talk to you at work with non work topic
talking to me

Feb 6
When I say "I LOVE YOU" and you reply with a "luv u" and I say I only hear the "u" and you go on and explain that your sleepy and all that. The explanation is longer that the answer I wanted to hear back.

You have more pictures of her on your phone than of me and of me and you.
You freak out when I touch your phone.
You never reply or answer my call.

When she is around, either your irritated with me or you don't wanna be caught talking to me or being in the same room with me. Its like BAWAL MAGING HAPPY when she is here, but when she is not, your the same guy I fell in love with.

You are not over her and I don't think you will ever get over her, the fact that you get to see her everyday just makes things even worst. Like relieving a never ending dream over and over again. And you being not over her, makes me not get over her.

You notice that your happy now?
smiling and laughing even with me on the job. So much more different when you can't even look at me and acknowledge my good job. Do you notice it? coz I do.
And it makes me wonder, is this behavior gonna last long? or am I gonna suffer again after a month?

Feb 7
Today is not a good day again.
First you shoved me in bed and when I try to hug you, you move. Then at one point you kicked me during your sleep.
Even in your dream state your rejecting me.
Ang hirap mo mahalin
Its very tiring
hot and cold, you are hot and cold
and your making me crazy.

Feb 8
I kiss you and you automatically say I'm busy.
I caress you and you say I wanna sleep.
I want a real kiss, not a peck on the lips and it irritates you

All this is hurting my ego
making me feel so ugly and unsexy.

There was this time that you can't get your hand off me and we kiss more
Now we only have awkward silence between us...

I don't want a relationship like this
I didn't sign up for this shit.

Tuesday, January 29

An excerpt on an article i read on facebook

A very good read.


During a seminar, a woman asked," How do I know if I am with the right person?"

The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, "It depends. Is that your partner?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind replied the author.

Here's the answer.

Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet."Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling.

Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO..

Thursday, January 3

I love you, but I don't like you anymore

Unconsciously doing something, consciously hurts me 
How to move on from you past, if you see your past everyday?
How to forget about the past, if the past haunts you every single day?
If you know, tell me coz clearly I'm not doing a perfectly good job of moving on and forgetting.
Or is life all about pretending?
Pretending to be okey, when really, your dying inside
Pretending to not care, but deep down you do.
Pretending you don't exist, but obviously your like a bad rash, that won't just go away.
Pretending that not speaking your mind is fine, but really what I wanna do is scream at you.
is it all about pretending?
If I don't pretend, I'm the loser?

They say, to be happy, you need to give something back. What if you are already giving to much and still?

If you can't handle the drama, why make the drama in the first place?
If you really care, a situation like this is and will not happen.
Cheating is a sign of weakness

When a person says " I'm sorry", mean it.
When a person says " I'm trying to fix it", show it.
When a person says " I forgive you", it took a lot for that person to forgive you, make it worth it.
When a person says " make me feel secure" , try harder. not " this is the best i can do" TRY HARDER.

Saying something in the like of " what your friends are doing to her is worst than what she did to you" made me realize that you don't get it. you don't grasp the impact of the mistake both of you did to me. Nothing is worst than what you both did to me. you broke me. Cheating on a girl is deeper than people realize. It destroys her outlook on love, her future relationships and her peace within herself. 

What to do with a mistake:


We are pass recognizing the mistake. I recognized it, you recognized it.
I have admitted it. admitted it to people that needs to know
You, I believe is still struggling on admitting. Struggling between you and your mind.
If your up for it, I just wanna move on and learn from it, so I can, we can eventually forget it.
And maybe one day, tell a funny story about it.
If your up for it, I am too.

Make me like you again
If your up for it, show me, I will be here.


Tuesday, November 13

another year

So today is my Birthday, and since I have been abroad for the past 3 weeks, with different time zone, I get to celebrate my birthday longer than 24 hours :) and its so COOL! 

At the moment, I'm alone, yes alone, on my birthday alone. But then again, it can be worse. Every body's at work now and I am at home staring at the screen and randomly clicking on stuffs.

The cyber me is very overwhelm with the pour of greetings i got on may facebook page. 70+ and still counting, Imma wait for a few more hours ( Philippine time) and i will say my thank yous.

It's the first time that i haven't made a wishlist for my birthday, maybe because as of the present, I have what I want and I am thankful, despite some issue, I am still thankful.

28. 3 more years and I am off the calendar, haha 
Its a good thing I'm Asian, I don't look 28! seriously... lol

Happy BURPDAY to me and Happy DIWALI to the Indian community all over the world.

cheers! and hoping for more years to come :)